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There is never one way to adequately describe pain. It's something different to everyone. For some people it's a natural part of life and your mind numbs it away. For other's it is something alien and the prospect of it brings anxiety and panic of levels that one can only guess.
There was I time when I saw pain as something that was a welcome part of my day. It meant that I was exerting myself to the best of my ability and that I had accomplished something that day. Pain was something that could be bottled and inflicted back upon someone else. It was completely under my control.That was something that I valued immensely. I was never afraid of pain, I was able to sleep like a baby with the prospect of what was to come knowing that it was temporary and I would be able to fight back at whatever was causing me this pain. I slept at ease months ago with my first shoulder surgery on horizon. I was not afraid and I was solid in the face of whatever was going to come over that hill. Then I woke up in the recovery room.
I don't know how to begin to describe what it is like to come out from the sleep of surgery and then realize that every hurt, sting, scrape, hit, and injury that you've felt in the past now had something that overshadowed it all. A pain that only grew and grew to the point that you questioned whether it would plateau or crescendo until you passed out. My only relief imaginable was the drugs and you cry out for them, please take this away from me, and then the cavalry arives, and you are lying there and they are useless. The immediate nature of the pain killers is not present and all that is left is the hopelessness of the situation. You cry out for something anything anyone who can end this. But there isn't anyone or anything, just yourself and your mind. The question then becomes are you mentally strong enough to seperate yourself from the pain in your body. When there is no one else to lash out against, to fight, and there is only yourself and your fragile body, can you mentally do it. My answer the first time was no..
I took every opportunity to lash out against someone.. anyone who was in distance and try to make them feel my pain, because in my previous world that made the pain bareable. I hate myself for that and always will, because those people in distance were the ones closest to me and the ones who cared most about me. And what I'm truly afraid of right now 13 hours from my second surgery is when I wake up and am faced once again with that pain, will I be strong enough to fight myself instead of anyone around me?
There was I time when I saw pain as something that was a welcome part of my day. It meant that I was exerting myself to the best of my ability and that I had accomplished something that day. Pain was something that could be bottled and inflicted back upon someone else. It was completely under my control.That was something that I valued immensely. I was never afraid of pain, I was able to sleep like a baby with the prospect of what was to come knowing that it was temporary and I would be able to fight back at whatever was causing me this pain. I slept at ease months ago with my first shoulder surgery on horizon. I was not afraid and I was solid in the face of whatever was going to come over that hill. Then I woke up in the recovery room.
I don't know how to begin to describe what it is like to come out from the sleep of surgery and then realize that every hurt, sting, scrape, hit, and injury that you've felt in the past now had something that overshadowed it all. A pain that only grew and grew to the point that you questioned whether it would plateau or crescendo until you passed out. My only relief imaginable was the drugs and you cry out for them, please take this away from me, and then the cavalry arives, and you are lying there and they are useless. The immediate nature of the pain killers is not present and all that is left is the hopelessness of the situation. You cry out for something anything anyone who can end this. But there isn't anyone or anything, just yourself and your mind. The question then becomes are you mentally strong enough to seperate yourself from the pain in your body. When there is no one else to lash out against, to fight, and there is only yourself and your fragile body, can you mentally do it. My answer the first time was no..
I took every opportunity to lash out against someone.. anyone who was in distance and try to make them feel my pain, because in my previous world that made the pain bareable. I hate myself for that and always will, because those people in distance were the ones closest to me and the ones who cared most about me. And what I'm truly afraid of right now 13 hours from my second surgery is when I wake up and am faced once again with that pain, will I be strong enough to fight myself instead of anyone around me?
cold
